You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
