Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize
