and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Randomize
