We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
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So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
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I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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