What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
