I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Randomize
