Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
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