We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
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All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
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How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
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