I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
