I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
