mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Randomize
