she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Randomize