also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
