well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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