new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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