Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Randomize
