I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
