how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
