i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
