tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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