My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
