My balls are so social today.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Randomize
