I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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