i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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