ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
