Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
well most of my day revolves around power hour
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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