this is amy. the small petlike person from the womens bathroom at the reef.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
