Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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