So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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