Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
