walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
We need to rekindle our bromance
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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