Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
