Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
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