Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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