Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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