I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
