i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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