hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
