Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
