I don't think brook has ever known best
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
