don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
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