my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
