Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Randomize
