you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
