My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
He shit in the fireplace
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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