I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
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