I just made out with a guy for $7.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
