my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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