i would punch a child for taco bell
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
