im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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