He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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