no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
