It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
