What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
