FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
