it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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