Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
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I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
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She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
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