I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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